Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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