did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
