omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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