Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
