Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
