I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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