the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
