I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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