My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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