I can tuck mytits in my pants
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You can't special order awesome
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
