you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
