the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
