I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
