I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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