Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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