This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
