My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Congratulations! We have a period
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
