Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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