Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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