I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
