It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
