shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
