At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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