Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
