Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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