Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize