I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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