the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
