I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
