I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had sex on a roof
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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