just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
