I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize