yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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