I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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