I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
