Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
