I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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