I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
