gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
