Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
