Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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