I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
