I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
