No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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