he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
