Your face is a jimmy john
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
