I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
