Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
