Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
