I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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