i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Everyone says I win the strip club
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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