Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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