I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
