I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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