I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
