so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He shit in the fireplace
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
