I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
