Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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