the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
