Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
